Is Treatment For Me?

I find myself questioning whether I made the correct decision coming to ERC. I didn’t have a good experience the first time I went to eating disorder treatment and I tried to write it off as me being really sick, being scared, not giving the treatment center a chance, etc. But now as I’m reflecting, I know I gave my all at one point the first time and it left me feeling worse and struggling mentally for months after. Now as I’m in my second round of treatment, I find myself asking the same question. Is treatment for me? And I don’t mean, “Is getting better for me?”, but is this treatment process the one that will help me the most? Everyone is different and I don’t feel like I’ve found my way yet and I personally feel that treatment centers aren’t the way for me. I find that I become a different person. I act out in anger and frustration and I make decisions that will only slide me backwards instead of push me forwards and I find myself more miserable than words can explain. About twenty times a day I’m told I need to just adjust and settle in. I’m honestly about to throw a fit if I hear it again because adjusting isn’t the problem, the process is the problem. It doesn’t feel like they care for you but are more putting you through a factory. They don’t listen to your feelings because at times they’re so busy telling you how you feel because they’ve seen it a million times before. That’s great and all but I’m my own person and maybe I don’t feel that way! It’s not good being a people pleaser in treatment. You find yourself eating more for others than yourself and when you leave, you have to eat for yourself. I feel like learning to succeed in the real world needs to happen in the real world for me. I have to choose to eat everyday for myself. I don’t like who I am in treatment and I don’t like the reasons I came to treatment. I thought everyone would be better off without me in their lives for a bit so I came to Denver. That’s not a good enough reason to go and it shouldn’t be a reason at all because it’s not a true statement. I really regret coming and I’m questioning what’s best for me and what I’m being told is best for me. I know myself and this doesn’t feel right. I’m not leaving yet because I owe it to my family to stay a bit longer but I do feel I’ll find my way once I’m out of treatment and that will be what eventually helps me in life.