3am

It’s 3am and I leave in an hour to the airport. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what I’m feeling right now. Sadness for leaving. Doubt over whether I’m making the right decision. I’m terrified of going to treatment but the team of support that I trust feels it’s necessary. In two days I’ll be admitted to ERC Denver on my birthday. That’s a scary way to start a new year of life but it’s time for a change whether I’m ready for it or not. Logically I know I need to get better, emotionally I’m terrified and want to cling to what’s kept me protected the past few years even though it’s been an unhealthy way to cope, it’s kept me safe in a way. But now it’s damaging not only my mental health but my physical and I need treatment to help save me. I’m struggling. I don’t want to leave my home. I have no idea how long I’ll be gone for and that scares me. I know I’ll be home again one day but what will happen to me between now and then? Treatment is terrifying and I wish I could say I was going in with confidence but instead I’m going in with doubt and anxiety. It’s a valid way to feel but I still wish I felt otherwise. I wish I felt ready for this change and I wish I could say I 100% want it. That’s hard for me to write; that I’m not 100% wanting this. I feel guilty because I have such amazing support and yet I’m unsure of getting better. Change is scary and that’s what I’m facing right now. It would be difficult for anyone to remove themselves from life and enter a facility that brings nothing but change.

It’s 3am and I’m not backing away. I’m getting on that plane and I’m going to enter that building on Tuesday, doubt, fear and all and I will stay. I’m tired and don’t want to try but I will stay as long as it takes for me to try.

If you’d like to send me anything while I’m in there, my address will be below!

Emma Krebs

8199 E 1st Ave

Denver, CO 80230